My wish for today is.....

I wish I could be the smartest personal in the world....

What a day...
I so wish I could understand the program I'm working with in my college course called Csound. I was doing really well. The potential for what this application can do is wonderful. I would give my right arm to be able to write code to the point that I could use it to write melodies. I came away from my class today with such a disheartened feeling. I'm a musical genious for gods sake, SO why can't I get my head around the code quicker. I felt really good last night...am I mean really good. As I'd been playing around with it on my laptop and had been scouring the boards for answers and trawling around the Csound home site.I played around with it till gone 130am this morning.
In class I managed to get through some of the work we were set out to complete. But I got lost half way and started to loose my confidence. I have had for many years a low self esteem that sometimes crops up from time to time. Today however I got myself into a panic which turned into a full blown panic attack. For those that have either yet to feel what thats like or who don't know....a panic attack (at least the ones I get) are like....your heart feels like it's racing over time...your face feels like it's getting hotter and hotter and theres an almost overwhelming feeling of desperation that can bring some to tears. A year ago I would have done the right thing which is what I was always told to do, and that it to leave the walls of the situation if it's a room and go out into fresh air or at least sit down with a coffee or tea. But I chose not to do that today. I've not had a panic attack like that for some time. Sometimes I get the start of one when around lots of people and do my best to fight it. But today I sat trying to hide away..keeping myself to myself and deep breathing. Boy did I feel horrible. I think today was hard to deal with anyway because I didn't sleep well last night and when tired I always seem to get a little stressed out anyway. I guess unless you actually suffer with panic attacks it's hard to empathise or perhaps even rationalise what they are actually about.